Two friends down...

I'm not the easiest person to like, love, and/or get along with. Since Finals Week of this past semester, I have ended two friendships. One was going on a year and the other was a friendship I had had since the age of 16. The one that ended Finals Week was a long time coming. It just wasn't working. When your best friends with someone, you hold on until you just can't anymore. That's exactly what happened with us. It was time for me to move on with my life without her in it. Plain and simple. Looking back, there are no hard feelings. I'm glad it ended. It was for the best.

And then...almost the whole Summer had past and out of nowhere another friendship of mine had ended. It wasn't as easy to let go of than the other friendship. This woman was one of my closest friends and confidants. I don't trust easily. To say that I'm angry at the outcome is an understatement.  The things that led up to our friendship were down right ugly. We both said ugly things and treated each other like crap those last days of our friendship. It hasn't even been a week, but I still think about the argument we had and the things we each said. I don't regret a word spoken. Maybe I should. I really don't know, but I obviously said certain things for a reason.

I don't just let anyone into my life. It doesn't work like that with me and never will. I'm not angry over the first friendship ending. It needed to end. The second one on the other hand... I'm angry as hell over. It angers me that someone you've known since the age of 16 could so easily walk out of your life and dismiss your feelings so quickly, like you never mattered. It also angers me knowing she has smeared my name to everyone she knows and works with. It's her personality, so I don't even need to go checking. I wish I could bring myself to talk in depth about my feelings towards her and our now ended friendship, but I can't. I can't being myself to be exactly like her and spill it all to the world. I said a lot of things out of anger, but I don't regret a single word spoken or written. They were things I was feeling and needed to express. I'm not a bad person, just an emotional one.

I do regret that my friends, the people I love and care deeply about, had to bare witness to my anger this past Friday. Controlling my anger is something I've been trying to work on this past year. Especially, after I had two blow up arguments with two different guys. Obviously, I am not "fixed", but I am trying to get there.

I guess the whole point of this blog was to vaguely cover where my head is at with these two separate friendships ending. In some respects, this is my free therapy session. If you don't like it, me, or anything else, you can go away now.