Sendin' it Back Saturday.

Are you the person you’d thought you’d be at this age? Why or why not?

You know, life is a funny thing. I've spent the past couple of nights reading old blog posts I wrote. I've been writing blogs since about 14. Basically, the moment I knew what a blog was, I started one. The oldest posts on here are from 2006. Unforunately, blog posts before then were laid to rest in the internet graveyard. I kept a blog on Xanga back in high school for a bit and users always posted questions for people to answer in a blog post. I did a little Google search back in time, found the page again, and came across the question asked above. This is my response.

The short answer is: Oh, hell no!

In reading posts from my past, I remembered the dark place I was in for so long. I was depressed, angry, bitter, vindictive, and above all else LOST. I never ever could have imagined making it to 26. I never could have imagined happiness on a daily basis. 

Watching my grandma die killed my soul. I knew the world was cruel, I knew death sucked, but losing her was just too much for me. I was 16. What happened to having a Sweet 16? What happened to just being a kid in high school? What did any of us do to deserve this kind of loss in our family? My life changed the day she passed away. I can honestly say I stayed in that dark place for years. Graduating high school helped a little, but it wasn't until I left San Antonio, that I found me.

I've always thought through the years I've stayed pretty much the same, just with more meat on my bones and actual boobage going on. Obviously, that's not true.

At 26, I'm happy. Truly happy. I still don't have a man (I'm still okay with it), I don't have a job, I graduated college after 7 years after having studied two pretty random subjects, I actually like the person I am, and I'm a pretty optimistic person.

I think in my head I thought at 26 I'd have a man, a career, and my life all figured out. I don't, but I have happiness. Happiness isn't something I've always had. Happiness seemed like such a foreign concept. Yet, here I am. Happy. 

Cookie's death this summer rocked me, but even that didn't put me back in my very dark hole. I cried for about 3 days straight (even cried in a job interview the day after she passed), but I still got out of bed each day. I accepted the idea of getting another dog. Her death didn't take my core happiness away. A few years ago, I thought her death would be it for me. The loss too great to bear. It wasn't. I kept my core optimism and happiness.

Life goes on. It has to. We learn, we grow, and we become better people. I'm not the person at 26 I ever could have imagined or thought I'd be. For that, I'm forever thankful.